my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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