He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
