I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
