did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize
