Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He felt like a one man threesome
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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