Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize