I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
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