I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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