No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
