She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This toilet bowl is my home.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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