he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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