She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
my being single is dangerous.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize