The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
thanks for not wanting to stay all night or talk or anything, nice to have a fuck buddy who really doesnt take the buddy part serious
I'm all about the fuck
Randomize