Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
