Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize
