Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
