and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
