I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Randomize