im six kinds of drunk right now
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
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