you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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