Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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