Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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