I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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