I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
