I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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