I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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