dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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