4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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