He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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