WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
