Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
