shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
