yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
