Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
