I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
