just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
