I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
