i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
