When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Randomize
