Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
