Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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