he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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