She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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