Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
