i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
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