How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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