He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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