GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize