i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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