Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
