totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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