I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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