My cat gives me a boner
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
