Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
