sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
4 words: hood of his car
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
You pole danced in your parka.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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