i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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