I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
My underwear smells like fireworks.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
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