I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
