you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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