I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
