Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
