my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
