Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
